Remember waaaay a big long time ago (does anyone else begin to talk like their children?) when I talked about losing weight? Ha. I eliminated about 20,000 different foods from my diet wishing I could be like one of those people who just eliminated soda and dropped 75 pounds - Unfortunately it seems I can maintain my ideal weight + 6 eating only popcorn - I lost about 4 pounds for all my efforts. Really! So I ran and ran and ran and ran. And ate less and less and less and still. Nothing, except fun muscles in my legs that had apparently gone on vacation for awhile. So I kinda got sick of stepping on the scale seeing my ideal weight + 6 or so. Then I took a little break which brings us to this morning. I tried on my gauge shorts from 1996 - and they fit. Sort of. I didn't exactly get the top button entirely closed, but they are size 2s people, give me a break here! I could theoretically wear them out with a long enough shirt. Don't worry, I won't actually do it.
What's the point to all of this?
Since becoming a mom I have had intense struggles with body image. In my first year of motherhood I would flip through the pages of Parenting etc. looking at cute little moms with perfect hair and perfect bodies at the playground. I was convinced in a very real way that my daughter would not love nor look up to me if I wasn't thin. A few extra pounds caused some very serious problems for me. I ended up losing it and being in the best shape of my life by my daughter's second birthday. But I wasn't healthy.
I'm over that a little bit. It bothers me now, but I don't obsess as much. I can't, which is part of the reason why this baby weight has stuck around for longer. I cannot allow myself to get as wrapped up in it as I used to.
Again, what's the point?
This morning I didn't feel particularly thin or good about myself until I tried those shorts on. And if we were playing "Guess what number I am thinking of?" you can bet it would be ideal weight + 10. The number on the scale and the number on that tag (2!) are almost sole determinate of how I feel about myself. That's just a little bit sad. But I don't know any other way to be.
I'm trying. I try to think positively, thinking that my body has produced two healthy kids, that I am able to clean my home and care for my family, that I can run 6 miles now. But I still want ideal weight + 0. Or even - 10.
We never, ever, use the words "fat" or "skinny" in our home. We talk about healthy. But I know I can't hide my preoccupation from my daughter entirely.
No final thoughts. Pressing save before I change my mind.